last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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