I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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