Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
