Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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