i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
