apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Couch. On fire.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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