I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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