I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
