I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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