I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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