I'm sorry my penis didn't work
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
