The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
