im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
