had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
