that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
