Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
