I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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