I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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