I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!