My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing