tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Actions speak louder than pants.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
