you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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