who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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