in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
