I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
