why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
