Betty ford says i'm here all night
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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