wrigley field is MILF paradise
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
