He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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