I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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