thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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