I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I smell stomach acid.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
