i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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