You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
