so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Success! We fucked roommates!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
