theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
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I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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