Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
