roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
