I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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