i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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