I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
