I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
