pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
