I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
