matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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