puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
