Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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