I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
