I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
