i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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