I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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