i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
