i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
