If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
