I look better un-naked...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
