I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
