If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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