so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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