Jerry, you need to find god
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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