I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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