Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
