He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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