I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
