Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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