He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
