I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
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Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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